Meta Description: Join Dr. David Noe and Dr. Jeff Winkle in Ad Navseam Episode 74 as they tackle the “Boy Wonder” of Athens, Alcibiades. From the scandalous mutilation of the Herms to the disastrous Sicilian Expedition, explore the hubris, the politics, and the sheer audacity of the ancient world’s most chaotic celebrity. Plus, discover why you should never use reverse psychology on an Athenian assembly.
Introduction: Snow Days in the Vomitorium
Welcome back to the “Vomitorium,” listeners! It is Episode 74 of the Ad Navseam Podcast. We are broadcasting from a bitterly cold Michigan evening where the winter weather simply cannot make up its mind. Your hosts, Dr. David Noe and Dr. Jeff Winkle, are dealing with the harsh reality of “another snow day” . Dr. Winkle admits that while he loves his family, the “togetherness” compounded by COVID protocols and snow days is pushing him to the brink. “Enough, enough already,” he says. But the show must go on.
Despite the freeze outside, Dr. Winkle has a bounce in his step, fueled by a caffeine-free but invigorating cup of tea . And he needs that energy, because tonight’s topic is a heavy one. We are diving into the life of the “Boy Wonder” of 5th-century Athens: Alcibiades. It is a story of Hubris, Nemesis, and one of the most bizarre acts of religious vandalism in history: the mutilation of the Herms and the profaning of the Mysteries.
Shout-Out: The Cellist Pastor
Before we set sail for Sicily, we have a shout-out to a true “Superfan”: Christopher Chelpka. Christopher is a pastor in the sun-drenched region of Tucson, Arizona (a stark contrast to the hosts’ current frozen state). But before he was a pastor, he was a professional cellist. He describes the podcast as “interesting, inspiring, amusing, layered, and beautiful.” Dr. Noe appreciates the description “layered,” comparing the show to a wedding cake. Christopher is also the proud owner of a Ratio 8 coffee maker, proving he is a man of taste as well as faith. To Christopher and his son, keeping the classics alive in the desert: Macte virtute!
The Opening Quote: What is a Herm?
Jeff tackles the “Ope Quote” this week, and it requires a bit of a “parental advisory.” The topic is the Herm (or Hermes statue). To the modern eye, these statues are shocking. A Herm consists of a rectangular pillar topped with a head of the god Hermes. But halfway down the pillar, there is a very visible depiction of the “male member”. Dr. Noe recounts a “true story” of visiting the Stoa of Attalos in Athens with his wife and daughter. When they asked, “What is this?” he had to explain that it was an ancient road marker.
Why the Anatomy?
It wasn’t just a dirty joke. These statues served an apotropaic function.
“The presentation of the obscene… that kind of shocking revelation of it had the effect of scaring off and warding off evil spirits.” They protected the “liminal spaces”—crossroads, boundaries, and doorways—where creepy ghosts liked to hang out. They were spiritual security systems.
Context: The War to End All Wars
The backdrop for our story is the Peloponnesian War (431–404 BC), the “war to end all wars” between Athens and Sparta. Dr. Winkle notes the tragedy that struck Athens early in the war: a massive plague that killed up to a third of the population, including the great statesman Pericles. Despite this, Athens continued to fight and build. By 415 BC, they were looking for a new adventure. Enter Sicily. The Athenian allies in Segesta asked for help against their neighbors. To convince the Athenians that they could pay for the war, the Segestans pulled a classic con: they used one set of gold plate for banquets and shuffled it from house to house to impress the ambassadors. The Athenians fell for it, believing there was plunder to be had.
The Debate: Nicias vs. Alcibiades
In the Athenian Assembly, two men debated whether to invade Sicily.
- Nicias: The “crusty old dean” who preached caution.
- Alcibiades: The aggressive, charismatic hawk who wanted glory.
Nicias tried to use reverse psychology. He told the crowd, “If we go, we need a huge force—100 ships, 5,000 hoplites!” He hoped the high cost would scare them off. Instead, the crowd said, “Sounds good!” and voted to send the massive force. Nicias’s bluff was called, and he was stuck leading an expedition he hated.
Thucydides on Motivation:
Dr. Noe reads from Thucydides, who psychologizes the crowd’s decision:
- Old Men: Thought the force was too big to fail.
- Young Men: Wanted “sightseeing and spectacles.”
- Soldiers: Wanted the money.
- The Skeptics: Stayed quiet because they “feared to appear unpatriotic”.
Who Was Alcibiades?
Alcibiades (c. 450–404 BC) is one of the most fascinating characters in history. He was the “Wonder Boy.” A ward of Pericles and a student of Socrates, he was wealthy, brilliant, and incredibly handsome . He was basically a mix of Bill Clinton and a world-class athlete.
- The Athlete: In 416 BC, he entered seven chariots in the Olympic Games and took 1st, 2nd, and 4th place (or 1st, 4th, and 5th). It was the Athenian equivalent of winning NASCAR.
- The Politician: He was a persuasive orator, but also a womanizer, a spendthrift, and an opportunist with his “finger to the wind”.
The Scandal: June 7, 415 BC
On the very eve of the Sicilian Expedition, Athens woke up to a horror. Almost every Herm in the city had been mutilated—faces smashed, “forms disfigured.” Dr. Winkle notes that while a student once called this a “drunken fraternity prank,” it was much worse. It was Asebeia (impiety). It was a capital offense that threatened the spiritual safety of the city right before a major war.
The Accusation: Alcibiades’s enemies, led by Androcles, seized the moment. They accused him of orchestrating the vandalism and of performing a drunken parody of the Eleusinian Mysteries at a private party. Alcibiades demanded a trial before he sailed. His enemies, knowing he was too popular with the army, said, “No, go sail. We’ll try you when you get back.” It was a trap.
The Defector’s Journey
Alcibiades sailed to Sicily, but soon a ship (Dr. Noe imagines it with “red and blue strobe lights”) arrived to recall him to Athens for trial.
Alcibiades said, “I’ll follow you in my own ship.”
Predictably, he gave them the slip and fled. Thus began his tour of treason:
- Sparta: He defected to Athens’ arch-enemy. He gave them military advice on how to beat Athens and, true to form, seduced the Queen of Sparta (Timaea). When the King found out, Alcibiades had to run again.
- Persia: He fled to the local Persian satrap, Tissaphernes. He tried to get into the “fancy pants” (maybe the MC Hammer pants Herodotus describes) and triangulate a return to Athens.
- Athens (Again): Incredibly, the Athenian fleet eventually recalled him to save them. He returned a hero, was given supreme command, and lived in luxury (Dr. Noe imagines a “living room sectional” with cup holders).
The End of the Line
Eventually, his luck ran out. In 404 BC, with Athens losing the war, he fled to a fortress in Thrace and then to Phrygia. The Spartans, still angry about the Queen, hunted him down. According to the story, they set his house on fire. Alcibiades ran out, sword in hand, in a final act of defiance—a “suicide by cop” moment. He was shot down by arrows. It was the violent end to a violent, chaotic life.
Sponsors: Fuel for Your Own Odyssey
This deep dive into Greek history is brought to you by:
- Hackett Publishing: Celebrating 50 years of publishing high-quality classics. Get 20% off and free shipping with code AN2022.
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- Ratio Coffee: Congratulations to Brent Schubert, the winner of the Ratio 6 sweepstakes! For the rest of us, use code ANCO for 15% off a machine that Phidias would admire.
- The Deal: Visit ratiocoffee.com.
- The Moss Method: Want to read Thucydides in the original Greek? Dr. Noe’s self-paced course takes you from “Neophyte to Erudite.”
- The Deal: Visit latinperdiem.com.
The Gustatory Parting Shot
We end this episode with a quote from the late Anthony Bourdain, from his book Kitchen Confidential. It is a reminder that in cooking, as in history, there are no shortcuts:
“Too lazy to peel fresh? You don’t deserve to eat garlic.”
Whether you are building a fleet or making pasta, put in the work.
Valete! (And leave the statues alone).
Resources for the Classical Learner:The Moss Method: Ready to tackle the Latin language or Ancient Greek? Visit latinperdiem.com to start your journey today!
