Introduction: Swan Lake and the Arizona Scotsman
Welcome back, classical gourmands, to Episode 87 of the Ad Navseam Podcast! We are broadcasting from the idyllic setting of Vomitorium East, situated right next to the lovely waters of Swan Lake. The swans and cygnets are cruising the water, giving the studio the feel of a perfect locus amoenus (a pleasant place)—which, as any reader of classical epics knows, usually means something terrible is about to happen.
The heat is turning up in Michigan, with temperatures threatening to hit 95 and 97 degrees over the next two days. Fortunately, Dr. Jeffrey T. Winkle managed to get some exercise in early, boldly conquering the “Curlicue” water slide at the local public swimming pool with his family . Meanwhile, Dr. David C. Noe is feeling a little punchy, ready to dive into the fiery destruction of Troy.
Before turning to Vergil, the hosts issue a special listener shout-out to 16-year-old Johannette Jacobs from Scotland, daughter of former shout-out recipient Jaap Jacobs. Johannette is bilingual (Dutch and English) and currently doing excellent work in her Latin language studies. She even astutely pointed out the Homeric parallels when the podcast covered the storms unleashed upon Aeneas!. The mention of Scotland triggers a traumatic 1999 memory for Dr. Noe. While visiting a gift shop near Edinburgh Castle in January, he tried to make friendly conversation with the clerk, asking if he lived in the area. The clerk deadpanned with jagged sarcasm, “No, I live in Arizona and I commute from there”. Twenty-three years later, Dave is still slinking out of that shop.
The Opening Quote: The Problem of the Past
Today, the hosts are wrapping up Book II of the Aeneid and making their way into Book III. To set the thematic stage, Dr. Winkle reads from David Quint’s brilliant 1982 Classical Journal article, “Painful Memories: Aeneid Book Three and the Problem of the Past”.
Quint argues that the biggest obstacle facing Aeneas and his men isn’t storms or monsters—it’s their absolute inability to let go of their “Trojanness”. They are traumatized refugees desperately trying to rebuild exactly what they just lost. Everywhere they go, they look for religious rites, names, and geography that mirror Troy. Dr. Noe compares this to the modern academic movement of “decolonization”. The Trojans literally have to decolonize themselves of their own past identity to become proto-Romans. Fate refuses to let them settle for a cheap replica of their former glory.
Helen at the Altar: The Pharmacon vs. The Coward
Returning to the burning ruins of Book II, Aeneas is wandering the collapsing city in a dream-like torpor. (Dr. Winkle compares this to the terrible Heart song “These Dreams,” where the singer walks “without a touch through a stained-glass wall” ).
Suddenly, Aeneas spots the ultimate catalyst of the war: Helen of Troy. She is crouching in terror at the shrine of the goddess Vesta. Dr. Noe reads the gorgeous, elision-heavy Latin text (Exarsere ignes animo…), where Aeneas admits his soul flared with a burning desire to run her through with his sword.
The hosts note how brilliantly Vergil undoes Homer’s portrayal of Helen here. In Odyssey Book 4, Helen is comfortably back in Sparta, spiking her husband Menelaus’s drink with a magical pharmacon and proudly boasting about how she cleverly aided the Greeks during the war. Vergil strips away that manipulative glamour. Here, she is just a terrified, detestable woman hiding at an altar of virginity (the ultimate irony for the woman whose promiscuity started the war). Aeneas is only stopped from killing her by the sudden appearance of his divine mother, Venus.
The Flight from Troy: Carrying the Beach Cooler
Aeneas rushes home to gather his family: his father Anchises, his son Ascanius, and his wife Creusa. In the ultimate emblem of Roman pietas (duty to past and future generations), Aeneas physically hoists his elderly father onto his shoulders, grabs his son’s hand, and tells his wife to follow behind at a distance.
Why does Creusa have to walk behind? Dr. Winkle applies Occam’s Razor via a hilarious modern analogy. When a dad goes to the beach, he’s hauling the massive cooler, the foldable chairs, the umbrella, and leading the kids . The wife naturally walks a few paces away just to stay out of the chaotic “drop zone” of all that gear. However, this practical spacing results in tragedy. Creusa gets lost in the chaos. When Aeneas runs back into the burning city, he is met not by his living wife, but by her massive ghost.
In epic poetry, you need dead people to give the hero information he can’t possibly know. Creusa immediately spits out prophecies like Google Maps, telling Aeneas he must plow the seas to Hesperia, where the “Lydian Tiber” flows, and where a new royal wife awaits him.
Book III: The False Foundings and the Bleeding Bush
As Book III opens, Aeneas and the refugees set sail. Because they haven’t learned Quint’s lesson about letting go of the past, they immediately try to settle in the very first place they land: Thrace. Aeneas takes the “second exit off the highway” and begins drawing city lines, unimaginatively naming the settlement Aeneadae.
To bless the new city, Aeneas goes to pull some myrtle branches from a sandy mound to decorate an altar. What follows is pure body horror. When he uproots the first bush, it oozes dark, clotted blood. When he pulls a third time, a horrific groan echoes from deep beneath the earth. It is the ghost of Polydorus, a Trojan prince sent to Thrace years ago with a secret hoard of gold as an insurance policy. The Thracian king murdered him for the money, and the spears that pierced his body took root and grew into the very bushes Aeneas is pulling. Polydorus begs Aeneas to stop tearing him apart (quid miserum laceras) and warns him to flee this cursed land.
The Rookery of Nations and the Harpies
Spooked, the Trojans sail to Delos, where Apollo’s oracle tells them to “seek out your ancient mother”. Anchises confidently (and wrongly) declares this must mean the island of Crete, a place Heinrich Schliemann later called a “veritable rookery of nations”. They arrive, find the island seemingly deserted, and start building again. But fate sends a plague and a famine. Finally, the household gods (Penates) appear to Aeneas and correct the GPS: you are supposed to go to Italy.
Their next miserable stop is the Strophades islands, home of the Harpies . These are foul, bird-women monsters with the faces of maidens, the talons of birds, and an uncontrollable urge to drop disgusting excrement all over the Trojans’ food . When Aeneas’s men try to fight the Harpies, the monsters prove invulnerable. The lead Harpy, Celaeno, perches on a rock and delivers a horrifying curse: Yes, you will reach Italy, but you will not be allowed to build your walls until a terrible hunger forces you to “eat your own tables” . (Dr. Winkle jokes this sounds like ordering the broccoli cheddar bread bowl at Panera—you eat the soup, then you eat the table!)
Sponsors: Fuel for the Journey West
To survive these mythological horrors, the hosts rely on the provisions of their generous sponsors:
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- The Moss Method & Latin Per Diem: Want to learn the Latin language behind Aeneas’s flight? Join Dr. Noe’s Lingua Latina Per Se Illustrata (LLPSI) course for $199 at latinperdiem.com/llpsi . Or, learn ancient Greek for $325 at mossmethod.com.
The Gustatory Parting Shot
Next week, Aeneas will sail directly into the path of the Cyclops (arriving just two weeks after Odysseus left him blind and enraged!).
To close out Episode 87, Dr. Noe provides a highly specific Gustatory Parting Shot taken from the novel Goodbye, Rudy Kazoody:
“Three Italians sitting around a kitchen table without food or drink is a sure sign of trouble.”If you’re sitting at a table with no food, watch out—you might just have to eat the table itself. Valete!
